An Alternate Route

I’m Not A Philosophy Major, But…

I’m going to get philosophical for a moment. Not to the level of Socrates, Plato or Aristotle — all my homeboys, by the way (I like to think of it as an ancient bromance). But I am going to sum up the world in 2 words. Not an easy task, I know, but give this a shot.

How This Came About

Earlier today, I had one of the most open, honest, lay-it-all-out-there conversations I can ever remember having. It was a unique conversation. One that many shy away from, or even purposely avoid.

It was so transparent, on a scale from 1 to 10, if 1 was Facebook’s old privacy policy and 10 was Newt Gingrich’s feelings on the opening question to the South Carolina Presidential debate… this conversation was somewhere in the hundreds.

She opened up, and was completely honest to me (did I tell you how much I appreciate that, btw?). I was honest with her. This kind of complete honesty with one another also makes you be honest with yourself — which is partly why I write this blog.

The conversation was difficult because it uncovered something that no one ever wants to hear.

But as difficult as it was, and the fact that it has the possibility to end something special… part of me feels really good about it. Good, in the sense that, if 2 people can have a conversation like this one,

• The world is not going crazy after all, and
• There are still people out there who truly value honesty

The 2 Words

Enough with all this intro background garbage. I know. You want to know what the two words are.

World = Relationship + Honesty

Relationships

Friends. Lovers. Bros. Hoes. Co-workers. Partners. Pets. God. Self.

We have relationships with many things. Multiple relationships at the same time. Some last forever. Others come & go. Some bring clarity. Others breed confusion. Some relationships are refreshing. Some, challenging. Some, easy.

We have relationships with other living things: our fellow humans & our pets. But also with the dead. Those who have lived adjacent to us, and those who are simply a part of history.

Sometimes our strongest relationship is not with the living or the dead, but with a set of beliefs… or a book of scripture… or a place of worship.

Relationships have gotten us jobs & introduced us to our spouse. They have also gotten us fired & ruined our marriage.

Relationships, just like the world, are subjective. You’ll never have a relationship with your SAT score.

They’re ever-changing. You will wander in & out of them your entire life. Guaranteed.

You can’t predict them. Don’t worry. Neither could Columbus. He just got lucky.

They have no inherent value. You might think your wife is worth a million bucks… or an expensive diamond ring… but she’s worth so much more than that.

Honesty

I was thinking… if I had one gift to give to the world, what would it be? And no, I’m not practicing for a Miss America pageant. I really do think about this stuff, somewhat regularly (probably way more than I should).

Sure, I could give the world food, and then people wouldn’t be starving. Or I could give clean water, and people would be healthier, and live longer. I could give condoms to slow down AIDS in Africa. And I’d probably save millions of lives doing any one of these things… or a host of others just like them.

But so long as we’re not all honest with each other, and ourselves, we’re always going to have all the little crap that ends up leading to the big crap. And by crap, I mean problems. Debt. AIDS. Starvation. Homelessness. War. Infidelity. Murder. Cheating. Et cetera.

Honesty & relationships are intertwined. By giving the world honesty, it might help cure all the broken relationships. The ones between lovers. Between spouses. Between friends. Between nations and tribes and religious groups. Between humans and the environment. Between a mother and her daughter, or you and your next door neighbor.

 

I realize there are other things that make up our world. But at least today… for me… these are the two that seem to matter so much more than any of the others.

Dear Better Half,

I love you and all, but I’m really not sure how you got your name.

Sure, we do things together. Live together. Make babies. Raise children. Buy stuff. Even have the same last name. But what part of that makes you better than me?

We also make mistakes. Fail. Help each other out. cry. Laugh. We both have our ups… and our downs. And we are both there for each other when the other needs it.

Please don’t take offense. You’re awesome. I mean that. That’s why I’m spending the rest of my life with you.

Here’s how I see it. Part of why we go so well together is the fact that we are both awesome. And neither one of us should take any of that away from ourselves by settling for the lesser half.

Sincerely,
Your lesser other half ;-)

And you did.

4 days. 33 hours. 2 states. 3 parks. 2 dogs. 1 headstand contest. 6 new Pandora stations. 1 hammock. 2, maybe 3, incredible iTunes playlists ;-). Phone chemistry. Glow bracelets. A late night truck stop. The insect attack of the century. A bottle of champagne that we never opened. My least favorite breakfast spot in the South.

And 1 really. difficult. conversation.

You said it more than once. “I will change your life.” It wasn’t a dead serious, groundbreaking kind of changing your life. More of an I’m-kind-of-joking-but-not-really, semi-serious, you-might-not-realize-it-now-but-it’s-true kind of way.

It was often accompanied by a playful smile, almost a smirk, as if to keep me wondering, “Is this girl for real?”.

We spent time together on 4 separate occasions. 4 dates, if that’s what you’d prefer to call them. And how much can someone honestly change your life in 4 days? It’s a valid question, for sure. One that I asked myself several times on the car ride back from Gaston.

Well, day 2 was the best conversation I can remember having in a long time. And as far as dating goes, maybe the best ever for a 2nd date.

Day 3 we set a world record for longest 3rd date. 7+ hours. We also did it with no agenda, no plans, no bug spray (huge oversight), and for the last 3 hours, no light (it gets pretty dark in the woods). And all of this on a work/school night.

Day 4 we spent nearly 20 hours together. No break from each other, other than a few hours of sleep. I met her dogs, her students, her colleagues, and the sweet Italian woman at the only Italian restaurant in her town.

I could go on and on about all the things we crammed into 4 dates. It’s an impressive list. But the more impressive thing is that in 4 days, she really did change my life.

Those who know me know that I am a bit of a perfectionist. Those who know me even better know when it comes to girls, I can be very selective. And the crazy thing about this girl is…

The only thing wrong with her is that she can’t keep her tube of toothpaste clean.

Yeah. I think I can get over that.

Yesterday, we said goodbye. Not goodbye for good, but goodbye for now. A little thing called timing got in the way of a great opportunity.

Although I might have made that last conversation seem easy, believe me, it wasn’t. You know how Murph & Kota looked when they thought you were leaving them? The same thing was going on inside my head (I just don’t have Murph’s puppy face to illustrate my feelings).

And if timing can so easily, and so quickly, break something apart, I’m really hoping it can put it back together again. (Humpty Dumpty, we need ya, bro.)

Here’s to our next adventure…

This question came up in conversation the other day. And I answered it… truthfully. It was an interesting (and very brief) look back at the 2 previous & 1 current stage of my life, and why I am still single.

I feel as though this is a question where you typically get 1 of 2 things. Either they lie & you don’t get anything remotely truthful. Or the 1 out of 100 that do tell the truth… you find out the truth is pretty scary, and there is a reason why they’re still single… and it’s frightening.

My response is neither a lie nor a frightening physical deformity.

In high school, I was kind of a player. I loved the attention from whoever was willing to give it to me. Immature? Absolutely. Lesson learned? Yup.

In college, I wasn’t willing to commit. I didn’t realize that a relationship took time, effort, sacrifice & commitment… and lots of it. Selfish? Very. Lesson learned? It took a while, but yeah, now I get it.

Post college to present day… I haven’t met a lot of new people. I let work consume my life for the first 2.5 years. Then came running, and I got over-competitive. Tunnel vision set in. My social life took a back seat. Lesson learned? Well, I’m still working on this one, but I have been making improvements.

With all things in life… you get to make choices. Relationships are no different. In looking back, I haven’t made a relationship a priority in my life. And the consequence of my choice is simple: I’m single.

Now that I know why, I can make the choice to do something about it. Here’s to change…

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Mainly,

• How I’ve treated them in the past
• Their importance in my life
• How I’m trying to improve them

Why am I thinking about relationships in this way?

• I’ve lived by myself for the past 2 years, and at times I get bored & lonely
• I don’t have a lot of friends in the Richmond area
• There are important events happening in the life of my friends, family & loved ones
• I’ve been exploring the online dating scene, and have had a few interesting encounters

All of this has led to my decision to try to improve relationships in 3 main areas of my life:

1. Family relationships
2. Friend relationships
3. The girlfriend relationship

Improving family relationships

Growing up, we never had big family gatherings. My family was somewhat spread apart, up and down the east cost. Several divorces & fallings out led to complicated relationships that I didn’t even understand until I started asking questions in college.

With age comes appreciation

As I have gotten older, so has the rest of my family. Health issues have arisen. And in some cases, even death. With more practical life experience, I understand these things at a much higher level than I used to. I’m much more appreciative of my family & close friends.

They’ve sent me a birthday card every year for the past 26 years. They attended hundreds of baseball games when I was growing up. They’ve donated money to charity on my behalf. Every time they see my parents, they don’t leave without asking how I’m doing. Bottom line: They care. They always have cared. And they always will.

Unconditional love

I used to think this was some stupid cliché. Now I understand what it means (well, I’m starting to, at least). We all need people to care about us & be there when we need something or someone. If you can’t count on family, who the heck can you count on?!

It’s the thought that counts

I used to hesitate before calling my relatives & close family friends. I thought, since I have never talked to them on the phone before, and haven’t spoken to or seen them for a few years, it would be awkward. I wouldn’t have anything to say.

All the while I’ve been missing the point. They don’t care if I say nothing at all. Just the fact that I picked up the phone means the world to them. Most of the time they’re the ones asking all the questions. They want to know how I’m doing. Just to know I was thinking about them… that alone can make a huge difference.

Improving friendship relationships

I haven’t made many friends in Richmond. I chose to put my job first. And for many years, running second. This left no time for hanging out, meeting new people or socializing with friends. It was all about working & running. That was it.

You don’t miss it until it’s gone

Recently, I’ve come to realize the importance of friendships. I miss the interaction with other people. While I do need some alone time to recharge, there are many times when I thrive in an environment with ample human interaction. I get into this fun zone, where I’m about as happy as one person can be. I can’t ignore that feeling. And I certainly don’t come anywhere near it when I’m alone in my apartment.

Selfishness

The more time I spend by myself, the more selfish I become. If I’m not spending time with other people, I don’t think about other people. This is clearly not a good habit to start forming.

Opportunity

I’m actively looking for opportunities to get out more. Just being out with other people, regardless of where we are, what we’re doing or who I’m with, will help get me back to where I need to be. My life is missing a little piece right now, and these new opportunities will help fill that void.

Improving the girlfriend relationship

Until recently, I was clueless about relationships. Again, it was working & running that gained all my attention. And while I still thought a relationship was possible with my one-track mind, it didn’t stand a chance.

Relationships take time, effort & sacrifice. Any extra time went into my running. And sacrificing my job or a big race… ha, forget about it. Just wasn’t happening.

Single forever?

Once I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being single (which didn’t take long at all), I realized I needed to make some changes. While I still love my job, and spend many hours/wk running & training, I’ve created room for a third priority… a relationship. And I’ve even vowed to sacrifice parts of my job and/or my training to make a relationship a real possibility.

Online dating

I’ve met up with a handful of women I met online. With each experience, I’m learning something. I’m mainly interested in learning things about myself: my turn-ons & turn-offs, how I communicate, what kind of person makes me happy, etc. What I’ve also learned is that very few people I’ve met communicate in the same way I do… and that can be really confusing (for both sides).

Never stop exploring

This is The North Face‘s tagline. While they use it in reference to outdoor adventures, I’m using it in a slightly different way. I’m in the midst of an interesting time in my life. One in which I’m exploring myself, as well as the relationships in which I participate. This exploration has led to a new understanding of my life, one in which I’m sure will continue to change as I continue to explore.