An Alternate Route

I’m Not A Philosophy Major, But…

I’m going to get philosophical for a moment. Not to the level of Socrates, Plato or Aristotle — all my homeboys, by the way (I like to think of it as an ancient bromance). But I am going to sum up the world in 2 words. Not an easy task, I know, but give this a shot.

How This Came About

Earlier today, I had one of the most open, honest, lay-it-all-out-there conversations I can ever remember having. It was a unique conversation. One that many shy away from, or even purposely avoid.

It was so transparent, on a scale from 1 to 10, if 1 was Facebook’s old privacy policy and 10 was Newt Gingrich’s feelings on the opening question to the South Carolina Presidential debate… this conversation was somewhere in the hundreds.

She opened up, and was completely honest to me (did I tell you how much I appreciate that, btw?). I was honest with her. This kind of complete honesty with one another also makes you be honest with yourself — which is partly why I write this blog.

The conversation was difficult because it uncovered something that no one ever wants to hear.

But as difficult as it was, and the fact that it has the possibility to end something special… part of me feels really good about it. Good, in the sense that, if 2 people can have a conversation like this one,

• The world is not going crazy after all, and
• There are still people out there who truly value honesty

The 2 Words

Enough with all this intro background garbage. I know. You want to know what the two words are.

World = Relationship + Honesty

Relationships

Friends. Lovers. Bros. Hoes. Co-workers. Partners. Pets. God. Self.

We have relationships with many things. Multiple relationships at the same time. Some last forever. Others come & go. Some bring clarity. Others breed confusion. Some relationships are refreshing. Some, challenging. Some, easy.

We have relationships with other living things: our fellow humans & our pets. But also with the dead. Those who have lived adjacent to us, and those who are simply a part of history.

Sometimes our strongest relationship is not with the living or the dead, but with a set of beliefs… or a book of scripture… or a place of worship.

Relationships have gotten us jobs & introduced us to our spouse. They have also gotten us fired & ruined our marriage.

Relationships, just like the world, are subjective. You’ll never have a relationship with your SAT score.

They’re ever-changing. You will wander in & out of them your entire life. Guaranteed.

You can’t predict them. Don’t worry. Neither could Columbus. He just got lucky.

They have no inherent value. You might think your wife is worth a million bucks… or an expensive diamond ring… but she’s worth so much more than that.

Honesty

I was thinking… if I had one gift to give to the world, what would it be? And no, I’m not practicing for a Miss America pageant. I really do think about this stuff, somewhat regularly (probably way more than I should).

Sure, I could give the world food, and then people wouldn’t be starving. Or I could give clean water, and people would be healthier, and live longer. I could give condoms to slow down AIDS in Africa. And I’d probably save millions of lives doing any one of these things… or a host of others just like them.

But so long as we’re not all honest with each other, and ourselves, we’re always going to have all the little crap that ends up leading to the big crap. And by crap, I mean problems. Debt. AIDS. Starvation. Homelessness. War. Infidelity. Murder. Cheating. Et cetera.

Honesty & relationships are intertwined. By giving the world honesty, it might help cure all the broken relationships. The ones between lovers. Between spouses. Between friends. Between nations and tribes and religious groups. Between humans and the environment. Between a mother and her daughter, or you and your next door neighbor.

I realize there are other things that make up our world. But at least today… for me… these are the two that seem to matter so much more than any of the others.

I’m not a fan of New Year’s. The day. The resolutions. The parties. A multi-million dollar ball falling from the sky. I dislike the entire idea, really.

I also don’t make New Year’s resolutions. While I realize that having a uniform time (once per year) to recap the past & determine the future can be helpful, I think New Year’s resolutions rarely resolve anything. Many never happen. And some never even come close.

Resolve whatever you want, whenever you want

If you have an idea in March… or decide you want to do something in June… or stop doing something in September — DO IT THEN. Don’t wait another 6 months & 27 days until January 1st. That’s ridiculous.

With that being said, I have compiled a list of things I’d like to work on in my life. Some have already begun; others are just getting started. And there are no timelines. I might complete one or more of these things tomorrow. Or maybe not until 2014.

2012: A year of selfishness

What a horrible way to think, right? Not necessarily. Let’s be honest. We’re all selfish to some extent. And those who know me would attest that I’ve been pretty unselfish these past 27 years. I’ve put favors ahead of sleep. Friends ahead of exercise. I still say yes way more than I say no.

This year, I say no. No, to the favors. No, to the commitments. No, to the organizations. No, to the call for donations.

And I say yes… to myself. Yes, to my ideas. Yes, to my health. Yes, to my wallet. Yes, to my future.

Saying yes to myself now will allow me to do favors, make commitments, help out with organizations & give donations later. But I must get moving on the things I want to do.

Here’s what I say yes to

• Send more birthday cards
• Apply to be on Fear Factor
• Stop talking so much about doing things… and actually do them
• Appear on the Ellen DeGeneres show for catching food in my mouth
• Learn to do a backflip
• Learn to walk on my hands
• Consistent. Morning. Workouts.
• Visit Colorado
• Go skiing out West (somewhere… anywhere)
• Stop being so much of a perfectionist & just deliver the goods (even when they’re not perfect)
• Write a spoken word poem… and perform it in front of a group of people
• Do a better job of calling friends, especially around important life events
• Putting romantic relationships over work
• urbanSMACKDOWN (Get ready. It’s coming…)

PS – I just printed out the list. I’m hanging it in 2 places in my apartment.

PPS – If you know me, and you see me blowing an opportunity to fulfill what’s on this list, please intervene.

Dear Better Half,

I love you and all, but I’m really not sure how you got your name.

Sure, we do things together. Live together. Make babies. Raise children. Buy stuff. Even have the same last name. But what part of that makes you better than me?

We also make mistakes. Fail. Help each other out. cry. Laugh. We both have our ups… and our downs. And we are both there for each other when the other needs it.

Please don’t take offense. You’re awesome. I mean that. That’s why I’m spending the rest of my life with you.

Here’s how I see it. Part of why we go so well together is the fact that we are both awesome. And neither one of us should take any of that away from ourselves by settling for the lesser half.

Sincerely,
Your lesser other half ;-)

I’m not the next iron chef, although I am improving in the kitchen. Either way, I like to have fun. And when I’m making smoothies, cooking dinner or just grabbing a bowl of cereal… it’s no exception.

Do a spin move from cabinet-to-cabinet. Flip your silverware in the air a few times before it lands in your cereal. Dance, and laugh at your reflection in the microwave.

You might get a few weird looks from your roommate (or husband/wife/kids), but 1) they’ll get used to it soon, and 2) who cares… you’re having fun :-)

It’s OK just to be a runner. To run for 10 minutes. Run for an hour.

It’s OK to say no to GPS, and just wear a simple Timex. And it’s also OK not to use it—or run naked, as we call it.

I’ve always loved running for its simplicity, yet there has never been anything simple about running an ultramarathon.

• you have to plan for everything, and pack tons of stuff just in case
• figuring out how to stay hydrated has always been a nightmare for me
• blisters on my feet
• nipple chafing
• (relatively) expensive race fees
• navigational challenges

The race that changed things

The Finger Lakes 50 in up-state NY changed the way I thought about ultrarunning.

I was running with my new friend, Jeff, from Niagara Falls, NY for a good portion of the 1st loop, and the beginning of the 2nd loop. It was when we separated 2/3 of the way through the 2nd loop where things started running through my head.

See, when you’re running with friends, you get caught in conversation. You concentrate on the topic at hand. In other words, you are distracted from the main activity you are doing — running. Just like being on the phone while driving.

But there isn’t always someone to talk to. And if all you’re looking for is engaging conversation, there are 6.5 billion people in the world & hundreds of thousands of Starbucks. You certainly don’t need 50+ miles to form, or improve upon, a friendship. (It does, however, make the story a bit more interesting)

The nagging question

So once again, I found myself alone, in the middle of the woods, legs burning, sweat dripping down my face, hopelessly swatting gnats, with a slight headache from dehydration. Nothing groundbreaking. This is standard for just about every ultramarathon out there. And once again I found myself asking the same question.

Why am I doing this?

I’ve never had a perfectly scripted, eloquently delivered answer to this question. Usually it was along the lines of, “because I love the experience” or “to see if I can do it” or “to test my limits & inspire others to do the same.”

I still can’t tell you exactly why I’ve been running ultras for the past few years, but I came to a life-changing realization out in the middle of the forest this weekend.

Tunnel vision

I’ve had tunnel vision with this goal to complete a 100 mile race. Somehow I convinced myself that it’s the only goal that matters. That until I complete it, I can’t move on with the next chapter of my life.

It’s like the 9-yr-old boy who wants to be Justin Bieber before he realizes all the stuff that comes with it. That’s his idol. He caught Bieber Fever, and nothing is going to stop him from living that lifestyle. Until…

…the fever breaks. (and yes, even Bieber Fever will eventually break)

Losing sight of goals

That’s pretty much what happened to me—with ultrarunning. I looked up to these guys completing insane acts of endurance, and I set out to achieve nothing short of the same. In fact, my over-achieving, perfectionist attitude had me believing I could one-up these guys. That I could do things even they couldn’t do.

But again… why?

I don’t have anything to prove – to myself, or anyone else. I don’t have to run 100 miles in order to say that I’ve accomplished something. I’ve already run more than twice as far as I ever thought I could. And I’ve even done that on 3 separate occasions.

The other stuff

This stubborn ignorance had me ignoring the other great parts of my life that are happening right now. I run my own successful business, and have for almost 2 years now. I just hired my first employee. I want to travel & explore the world. I’m moving downtown to begin creating the lifestyle that I’ve been aimlessly avoiding for the past 4 years.

I can be ultra in all of these areas. So I can leave the ultra out of running for now.

My future with ultrarunning

It was a little difficult when I first came to the decision to give it up. Anything you pour that much time & effort into, is naturally tough to walk away from. But in less than a week, I’ve come to terms with it.

I don’t know if I’ll do another ultra again. But right now, I’m just not thinking about it. I want to go back to the simplest, most pure form of running. Enjoy each run without worrying about hitting a certain mark or training for an upcoming race.

I can assure you, I still have an enormous amount of respect for the ultrarunning community. It’s an amazing group of people, with a ridiculously high level of determination & grit. Lots of interesting stories. Truly genuine folks.

I’ll still support my friends who run them. I might even run with them—for part of the race ;-)

Happiness is

I sat down next to my parents after I quit the 50-miler 2/3 of the way through, and I’ll never forget what I said.

I’ve never been more excited to quit something in my entire life.

There were always bits & pieces of ultrarunning that made me happy. Little things that I enjoyed. But with something as demanding as an ultramarathon, there should be more than just a little. Ultimately, I wasn’t enjoying this enough for it to justify all the things it was depriving me from, not to mention the pain it put me through (each and every time, without fail).

I think I’ll be a happier person without ultrarunning. There will always be things I miss, but if I did everything that had some appeal to me… well… I’d need so many hours in a day you’d have to stop the Earth from rotating for a few years.

Here’s to the next chapter…

As I exited the grocery store tonight, I walked past a middle-aged couple. I hesitated before I did, thinking it might not be polite to breeze right by them in the narrow aisle. But I was in a hurry, and…

It looked like they were in pain when they moved. Seriously, they struggled to put one foot in front of the other.

I don’t know their story. Maybe they have a perfectly good explanation. But let’s be honest. They probably don’t.

I’m assuming they don’t. It will help get my point across.

Letting yourself go

Here are two folks who just let themselves go. Somewhere along the line, they just accepted the fact that they were going to get old, gradually slipping into the stereotype we place on all elders in our society. They’re old & slow. Their joints ache. They’re always forgetting stuff. Medication becomes the daily routine (if they remember to take it).

I know. I know. There are physiological changes that take place with age. You can’t prevent some of those things from happening. You can’t deny science.

I say !&#% science.

(and I even have a degree in Exercise/Sport Science)

What if we’ve just been brainwashed since birth to believe that’s how it’s supposed to work?

Never let anyone tell you it’s OK to just accept something.

This question came up in conversation the other day. And I answered it… truthfully. It was an interesting (and very brief) look back at the 2 previous & 1 current stage of my life, and why I am still single.

I feel as though this is a question where you typically get 1 of 2 things. Either they lie & you don’t get anything remotely truthful. Or the 1 out of 100 that do tell the truth… you find out the truth is pretty scary, and there is a reason why they’re still single… and it’s frightening.

My response is neither a lie nor a frightening physical deformity.

In high school, I was kind of a player. I loved the attention from whoever was willing to give it to me. Immature? Absolutely. Lesson learned? Yup.

In college, I wasn’t willing to commit. I didn’t realize that a relationship took time, effort, sacrifice & commitment… and lots of it. Selfish? Very. Lesson learned? It took a while, but yeah, now I get it.

Post college to present day… I haven’t met a lot of new people. I let work consume my life for the first 2.5 years. Then came running, and I got over-competitive. Tunnel vision set in. My social life took a back seat. Lesson learned? Well, I’m still working on this one, but I have been making improvements.

With all things in life… you get to make choices. Relationships are no different. In looking back, I haven’t made a relationship a priority in my life. And the consequence of my choice is simple: I’m single.

Now that I know why, I can make the choice to do something about it. Here’s to change…

A friend of mine emailed me this week for no other reason than to “just say hey.”

#1 – This is when you know you’ve got a truly great friend.

#2 – It reminded me how awesome a random hi makes you feel.

#3 – I should say hey to some of my friends. You should too.

For several years in a row, I’ve managed to avoid Thanksgiving traffic. Specifically, I travel on I-95 from Richmond, VA to South Jersey, but I’m confident these traffic tips apply for just about anywhere. Here’s the rundown:

• Drive, don’t fly. EZ-Pass won’t scan your body or feel you up. It’s a win-win.
• Pack whatever you need the night before Thanksgiving. Place it on the floor, just inside the front door. Have snacks, drinks, etc. ready (keep in fridge).
• And here’s the kicker… start your drive on Thanksgiving morning.

To avoid Thanksgiving traffic, start early

3:00am: Alarm clock goes off. Get up right away. No snooze.

3:01: Start brewing the coffee.

3:02: Get dressed. Quick & comfortable.

3:07: Throw last-minute toiletries in the your bag. Don’t forget your cellphone charger.

3:09: Start chugging coffee.

3:13: Pack car. Start warming it up if it’s cold.

3:20: Finish chugging coffee.

3:25: …and you’re on the road.

3:26: Turn the music up. It doesn’t matter what station.

3:27: Start bobbing your head & shaking your shoulders (aka: dance). You’ve gotta stay loose with a long drive ahead.

3:28: Commence singing. Don’t stop until you arrive at your destination.

3:35: Get on the interstate.

3:36: Set the cruise control to 75, and don’t stop unless you need gas.

____: You’ll be there before you know it :-)

OK. I realize a few of those won’t help you get there any faster, but they are guaranteed to make your Thanksgiving Day drive much more enjoyable.

Happy Thanksgiving!

As I ran on the treadmill for my morning workout, I found myself increasingly annoyed at the TV that was attached to it. Sure, I didn’t like the fact that it blocked my view of myself in the mirror (You caught me. I like to look at myself in the mirror, somewhat frequently.). But here’s what I found more annoying…

There was nothing good on.

I’m not talking about good sitcoms, good reality TV (does that even exist?), or good morning shows. I just mean nothing good.

There were dysfunctional relationships between NFL coaches, quarterbacks & players, which I translate as “a bunch of adults making millions of dollars acting like immature babies.” Two Nascar drivers coming to blows on the racetrack. And The Today Show had on (what seems like a daily requirement) some murder mystery still left unsolved.

Basically, just a bunch of crap. Crap that, on this particular day, I refused to let ruin my morning.

So I turned off the TV, cranked up my iPod, cracked up a smile that would rival that of a kid getting her picture taken with Mickey Mouse, and started singing jammin’. I created a great start to my day, and you know, I think the morning enjoyed itself too :-)

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Mainly,

• How I’ve treated them in the past
• Their importance in my life
• How I’m trying to improve them

Why am I thinking about relationships in this way?

• I’ve lived by myself for the past 2 years, and at times I get bored & lonely
• I don’t have a lot of friends in the Richmond area
• There are important events happening in the life of my friends, family & loved ones
• I’ve been exploring the online dating scene, and have had a few interesting encounters

All of this has led to my decision to try to improve relationships in 3 main areas of my life:

1. Family relationships
2. Friend relationships
3. The girlfriend relationship

Improving family relationships

Growing up, we never had big family gatherings. My family was somewhat spread apart, up and down the east cost. Several divorces & fallings out led to complicated relationships that I didn’t even understand until I started asking questions in college.

With age comes appreciation

As I have gotten older, so has the rest of my family. Health issues have arisen. And in some cases, even death. With more practical life experience, I understand these things at a much higher level than I used to. I’m much more appreciative of my family & close friends.

They’ve sent me a birthday card every year for the past 26 years. They attended hundreds of baseball games when I was growing up. They’ve donated money to charity on my behalf. Every time they see my parents, they don’t leave without asking how I’m doing. Bottom line: They care. They always have cared. And they always will.

Unconditional love

I used to think this was some stupid cliché. Now I understand what it means (well, I’m starting to, at least). We all need people to care about us & be there when we need something or someone. If you can’t count on family, who the heck can you count on?!

It’s the thought that counts

I used to hesitate before calling my relatives & close family friends. I thought, since I have never talked to them on the phone before, and haven’t spoken to or seen them for a few years, it would be awkward. I wouldn’t have anything to say.

All the while I’ve been missing the point. They don’t care if I say nothing at all. Just the fact that I picked up the phone means the world to them. Most of the time they’re the ones asking all the questions. They want to know how I’m doing. Just to know I was thinking about them… that alone can make a huge difference.

Improving friendship relationships

I haven’t made many friends in Richmond. I chose to put my job first. And for many years, running second. This left no time for hanging out, meeting new people or socializing with friends. It was all about working & running. That was it.

You don’t miss it until it’s gone

Recently, I’ve come to realize the importance of friendships. I miss the interaction with other people. While I do need some alone time to recharge, there are many times when I thrive in an environment with ample human interaction. I get into this fun zone, where I’m about as happy as one person can be. I can’t ignore that feeling. And I certainly don’t come anywhere near it when I’m alone in my apartment.

Selfishness

The more time I spend by myself, the more selfish I become. If I’m not spending time with other people, I don’t think about other people. This is clearly not a good habit to start forming.

Opportunity

I’m actively looking for opportunities to get out more. Just being out with other people, regardless of where we are, what we’re doing or who I’m with, will help get me back to where I need to be. My life is missing a little piece right now, and these new opportunities will help fill that void.

Improving the girlfriend relationship

Until recently, I was clueless about relationships. Again, it was working & running that gained all my attention. And while I still thought a relationship was possible with my one-track mind, it didn’t stand a chance.

Relationships take time, effort & sacrifice. Any extra time went into my running. And sacrificing my job or a big race… ha, forget about it. Just wasn’t happening.

Single forever?

Once I came to the conclusion that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being single (which didn’t take long at all), I realized I needed to make some changes. While I still love my job, and spend many hours/wk running & training, I’ve created room for a third priority… a relationship. And I’ve even vowed to sacrifice parts of my job and/or my training to make a relationship a real possibility.

Online dating

I’ve met up with a handful of women I met online. With each experience, I’m learning something. I’m mainly interested in learning things about myself: my turn-ons & turn-offs, how I communicate, what kind of person makes me happy, etc. What I’ve also learned is that very few people I’ve met communicate in the same way I do… and that can be really confusing (for both sides).

Never stop exploring

This is The North Face‘s tagline. While they use it in reference to outdoor adventures, I’m using it in a slightly different way. I’m in the midst of an interesting time in my life. One in which I’m exploring myself, as well as the relationships in which I participate. This exploration has led to a new understanding of my life, one in which I’m sure will continue to change as I continue to explore.